….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
The morning after pill, but for tweets
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*