Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“Wait, let me explain..”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop