My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad