Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
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“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
shit just got real
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
where the womens at?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.