She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Pretty much! 😂👀
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.