To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I think I’m having a stroke
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song