I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*lint rolls you awake*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me