Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
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ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
and now we wait
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH