Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Sharon I have some bad news
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle