My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order