Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.