Just parrot things
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??