Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You Might Also Like
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.