Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
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Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
incredible
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Lucky old June.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
I created you as mosquito food.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.