Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”