Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
A game married people play.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it