Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.