me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Breaking news:
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.