“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.