*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
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me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I wish I could veto my bills.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
🍞🦆