me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
🤭😂
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.