Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
#Caturday
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.