People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
bout dat hot dog summer
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
181.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*