hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
PLOT TWIST:
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous