I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
a fate I wish upon no one
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.