Crying is a sign of leakness.
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?