All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
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I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.