I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.