I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
You Might Also Like
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Phones down.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.