Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Okay
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Always a housemaid, never a house.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine