For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
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[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Life is a suicide mission.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there