If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*