Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
scared to check what name she chose
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*