Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.