People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.