The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.