8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
spot the difference
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
#winning