Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.