Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Wednesday
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.