SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”