Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter