Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?