I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.