OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa