I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
how to exercise your calf muscles
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.