Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I feel it
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit