Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
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Hmmmmm
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!