It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”