April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
There is no “we” in chocolate.