I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.